


Damned if I Do

by firbolging



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Coda, Dancing, F/M, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, POV Jester Lavorre, Spoilers for Episode 97, Talking, which will definitely become obsolete after the next episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firbolging/pseuds/firbolging
Summary: He looked at her and his frown deepened. “Are you alright?” he asked.The next song began, slightly faster. A waltz.“Of course,” she said at once. “Dance with me?”
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 20
Kudos: 114





	Damned if I Do

It was kind of funny to see Essek depart without his usual air of smug superiority. There was no reminder of a favour owed this time. Nothing but the air between his toes and the floor. That was what remained of the Essek she had known. Or believed she had known. Of course he had made her feel stupid at times and he had resisted almost every one of her charms, but she had not taken him for a villain. She wasn’t sure if she took him for one now.

The weight of his hand in hers echoed across the valley of her palms. It suddenly felt a little cold there on the ship; the bobbing of the water the only indication that time was still moving.

Caleb broke the silence first, clearing his throat and making deliberate eye contact with the spot Essek had just been standing. “We should go,” he said. “Jester’s mother has already been left alone for too long.”

Guilt hit her like the wind.

“Oh my God,” she cried softly. “I should have stayed with her. I’m so stupid.”

Words of contradiction reached her ears but did not penetrate her panic. She picked up her skirt and rushed back to the party. Even from a street away, the lilting voice of the Ruby of the Sea rang out like a victory bell. As long as she was singing, she was breathing. 

They slipped back in with only the odd glare from the guards. After all, they had arrived with the Ruby. That kind of prestige was hard to forget. Jester walked through the crowd like walking through a dream. Her mother stood for all to see, singing so sweetly that the sting of Essek’s betrayal went numb. For a moment at least. Jester’s panic and relief had been so strong that it was only in that moment, standing amongst strangers, that she realised her mother was singing in Zemnian. 

The Mighty Nein collected around her, knocking shoulders in solidarity. Jester looked up at Caleb and saw that the music had not shaken off his frown. 

“Caleb,” she breathed, reaching between them to clutch at his hand. It was not the hand that had held Essek’s, but it quietened the echoes that her mother’s voice had not quite drowned out. He gave her a quick smile and squeezed her hand back, but said nothing. Her heart broke a little. Not knowing what else to say, she whispered, “You know, I’ve never heard my mom sing in Zemnian before. It’s a really pretty language.”

“It doesn’t sound like much to me,” he said, hand still in hers. “Just like talking. Your mother, though, she could make infernal sound like celestial.”

“She is pretty wonderful.”

The song ended and applause began at once. Caleb made to pull free so that he might clap along, but Jester clung to him. Though she was not certain why.

He looked at her and his frown deepened. “Are you alright?” he asked.

The next song began, slightly faster. A waltz.

“Of course,” she said at once. “Dance with me?”

He froze as though broken. With a gentle tug, she was able to guide him out of the crowd and to the near-vacant dance floor. A few other couples had begun to one, two, three step around. Mechanically, Caleb followed suit, but the look on his face betrayed a lingering brokenness. Perhaps that was better than frowning perhaps. Caleb fell into the role of lead with the same ease he had done all those months ago in Hupperdook. His steps were cleaner, though, this time around. And the brokenness of him gave every turn a stilted finish. 

Her mother’s singing began again, like a blanket around her shoulders. Courage returned. 

“What’s this song about?” she asked, looking right up into Caleb’s blue eyes.

“I will tell you,” he said. 

They danced in silence as he listened for a moment. Then, suddenly, he let out a little snort of laughter. 

“What?” she demanded. “Is it, like, dirty?”

“It’s very boring. Mostly about the Zemnian fields and the golden harvests. The wheat and the rye.”

“Then what’s funny?”

With a shrug and another laugh, he said, “I don’t know.”

The absurdity of it all hit her hard in the chest and she giggled along within him. Once the dust had settled, she said, “I’m sorry. You don’t have to dance with me. I know the thing with… that guy, was especially hard on you.”

“It’s a good distraction,” he said firmly, continuing to lead without faltering. “And if you want to dance, then you should get to dance.”

“I’m not going to ask you about what you did, you know? I know you like to be all mysterious. But I also know you’re not half as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else. Even people who really don’t deserve it that much, like the woman who stabbed you!”

“It might seem strange, but I think that… my words tonight… and my words to that woman, who would have been my colleague in another lifetime, were some of my most self-serving.”

“Caleb, you got stabbed.”

“I wasn’t in any real danger. You were there with me.”

“Okay, but it must have hurt.” He gave a little shrug and her heart melted. “I just want you to be happy, Caleb.”

His smile turned back to that familiar grimace; forced bravery if ever she saw it. 

“I will do my best,” he said.

She could not begin to fathom what tragedy Caleb held himself responsible for. As far as she could tell he hadn’t started any wars, but when he ran from the Academy, they must have wanted him to do something very terrible. To walk away from his every aspiration, from the woman he had loved. Still loved. He must have been thinking of Astrid then, with Jester again as a stand-in for her. She half-wished she hadn’t dressed him so well. It made her imposter syndrome all the more bitter. 

He let out a sigh and she let go of him, picked up her hand from his shoulder, and stepped back.

“I’m sorry, Caleb.”

He looked at her, utterly perplexed and asked, “For what?”

She didn’t know how to put it into words without bringing up the bodies of his most painful memories. She couldn’t say she was sorry for not knowing what he had done, for the fact that he woke up every day believing himself damned, or for not being able to show him that his mirror did not reflect the face of a traitor or a selfish villain but a kind and forgiving man. She could not even apologise for the simple fact of being the wrong girl. 

So, instead of any of that, she said, “For not getting you a big hat.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading <3 I just missed my kids and wanted them to have nice things and... I didn't really deliver. But hey it's all about that sweet sweet yearning
> 
> Please kudos/comment if you enjoyed


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